But isn’t Jess just the most beautiful person in the world?
I must be doing something right.

I feel a lot of pressure to write here, for some reason, but I can’t work out why.  I think it could be that I feel as though I’m not getting anything done recently, and that I ought to force myself to create something, whether or not it’s for the greater good.

Today I rewrote my resume on the seek website, which might increase my chances of getting a job, I can’t be sure.  I think I need to begin taking resumes into places, but that thought fills me with lead.  So tomorrow I’m going to call Dr. Helen Sage (google her name and a coroner’s report comes up as the second entry - disturbing, and not really the kind of result I was hoping for) and ask her to see me, send me away, get me tools to fix myself with.  I’ll sit at home, tinkering away with screwdrivers and lathes, old fashioned tools, to get my brain to work the way it ought to.  I just need to know how.

I’m frightened that I’m burdening those around me, and Jess in particular. I see her frustration with my inability to progress further, my sinking further away from where I want to be.  It fills me with shame.

I had a conversation with my mother today (which made it clear that I must not tell her about my upcoming therapy) regarding my sisters, and their illnesses of the mind.  They both require CBT, but whenever it comes to the crunch, mother makes it all about her, and makes it seem as though the illness is a failure - hers, not theirs, but still, the guilt of bringing her down with one’s own difficulties somehow overrides the anger of her unintentional selfishness.

On another note, I am thinking about beginning a novel.  I haven’t got an idea yet, at least not a solid one, but I feel as though I’ll be able to do it.  When I think about it, though, I feel panicked, and as though I’m going to fail.  I have a very deep fear of failure.  Worse, though, I feel that sometimes I am a waste of a life. Not good.

I feel like screaming, but it’s difficult to find a place in which to do that nowadays.

If only this blog could be any different from all the others I have written.

via thisisindexed.com

This is my favourite song today.

This is the kind of desk I like - full of green things, promise and books.  I feel lucky.

Ellen Degeneres-TheBeginning-Part 1 (via sprousel0ve)

This always, always makes me feel better.

Do you think that perhaps the reason why people ought to get along before they create another person is because, otherwise, parts of the resulting child’s personality would be in direct opposition with other parts, and that would cause an unhappy person?

I’m fairly sure that it’s really just so that the parents don’t fuck up the child environmentally, but it’s an interesting thought.

I have reason to believe that this is the sexiest video clip ever made.  My reasons for this belief are;

a) that it has a young Madonna in it,
b) that there is religious iconography juxtaposed with gender-queering and licking, and,
c) that you SEE MADONNA’S BOTTOM MOVE AS THOUGH SHE WERE HAVING SEX.

Today was a good day, filled with summer foods and company of friends and strangers.

The highlight was, however, waking next a most beautiful woman who, when awake, kissed me and called me baby.

Goodnight, all.

I like nifty things.

I have a sexy girlfriend.

The weather is making me feel sweaty and sexy.

This will surely be the best children’s book ever written.